Very germane

This true story will only work if you know a bit about Dad's Army...

Female friend of mine went with her husband and friends and wives for a 4 nighter in Munich.
Husband speaks a bit of Germanese so he went up to the hotel reception while the friends hung back having a crafty fag.
The guy on reception peered at him closely and asked:
"Voss is your name?"

Colin at the back shouted:"Don't tell him Pike!"

Collapse of husband over reception desk and quick exit of the women with legs crossed.

Grave concerns

While we are on unremitting gloom (it won't last, I promise) I have to tell you about a funeral of a relative I attended a couple of days ago. Went to the service but not to the burial as there were already family in there (if you see what I mean).
After the ceremony at the do in the pub, a relative came up shaking his head.
"I don't believe what just happened" he said.
He had been first on the scene waiting for the other mourners when he asked the grave digger how far down his beloved grandma ( who had died 10 years before) was under the new coffin.
"Oh, about an inch" he replied. "Do you wanna see?" And before he could stop him, he brushed the dirt off his gran's coffin to reveal the brass plate.
He was even more horrified when the gravedigger added "Mind you, there'll not be much left in there".
The gravedigger then sat on a nearby gravestone effing and blinding with his mates while they discussed where they were going for a drink that night.
We all shook our heads and laughed inappropriately.
" I suppose it's just a job to him" said my relative.
I suppose it is.

Not so happy new year

Tony was a guy I used to see round the pubs whenever I paid a visit to a particular area.
We got on well. He was such a friendly guy.
I last saw him the day before New Year's Eve. Hadn't seen him around for a while so asked him how he was. He said he was going in different pubs to the ones he used to frequent. We had a long amiable chat and he shook hands with me and wished me all the best for the coming year.
The following night - New Year's Eve - he went home slightly the worse for wear, fell down the stairs, broke his neck and died.
You never know when that pint is going to be your last.
Cheers mate.

Happy New Year and all that

You may have noticed I have been a bit lax about updating the blog. To be honest, I kept thinking who wants to listen to the opinionated witterings of a halfwit. I wouldn't.
Then out of the blue today, I got an email from an old friend of the blog (and a former blogger) which I found very moving.
I asked him if I could publish it and he agreed.
I think it goes to show that sometimes, if only slightly, we can make a tiny difference to someone who may live thousands of miles away and who we will probably never meet and it has made me think again.
Here's the email with names edited out. Good luck my friend.

"Birdman,

I know it's been a very long time but I nonetheless have not forgotten about the birdy household on the left side of the country and wonder how things are for you and yours. I just checked your blog and saw that your last post was in November so I just had to enquire. Not looking for any sort of sympathy (more of an excuse for failing with my internet duties) but I have been unwell and hence my many blogs crumbling to dust. Back in 2006, I went to the U.S. to help my Mum (she retired there and my Da died in '98) but instead I became rather ill and lost faith in my kidneys when they began to ignore my body's wishes and began to go on strike. Oddly this was no fault of my own as my drinking has been social for the last fifteen or so years and I am a veggie. Unhelpfully, the doctors were at a loss to explain this upheaval so rather than get angry and set the hospital alight, I decided to go to sleep with the hope that I might just fade away, but eventually and without any care, I woke up. And well... I am still alive. Seems I can't even get that bit right. Oh well. No more blood in the urine so I must be better. But enough of that. Sorry for such down information during such a celebratory time of year.

Hope you and your family are all happy and that life is treating you as well as can be expected. I also want to thank you for your blog and all the amusement it has given me over the years and for supporting mine, even when mine never supplied any usable info other than to confirm my complete and total disrespect for authority and a firm disdain of the music industry. So if you are wondering why this sudden email - besides to thank you for being birdy - I just finished reading X-Ray (I've actually never read it before) and can't think of the Kinks without now thinking of the birdman. Funny things like that.

All the best,


******