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Pompeii..

Not had time to blog as I have been travelling around a fair bit.
One of the places I stopped off at was Naples. What a crazy place. The traffic was the worst I have ever seen. They were coming at you from all angle - totally ignoring traffic lights and road signs.
I saw a military bus rip a car door off.
My friend said that there was an evacuation plan in force for when Vesuvius erupted (could be soon). He said that Naples being Naples, everyone would ignore it.
"I know what will happen. Ninety per cent of the population will be wiped out in a gridlock as people jump into their own cars and ignore the plan. No bad thing as most of my fellow citizens are mobsters, drugdealers and forgers. Not a great loss to the world" he said.
Charming, but possibly true.
Pompeii was a total wreck. Just like me after I came out of the Naples traffic.

Emphasis

Has anyone noticed that newsreaders today keep putting the wrong emphasis on words?
A newsreader on Granada TV just said MOSS Side instead of Moss SIDE. They say things like football MATCH, traffic JAMS or death PENALTY etc. It's like saying GEORGE Clooney instead of George CLOONEY.
I'm sure they do it just to WIND me up.

Cross talk

Nadia Eweida, a British Airways check-in worker, has been forbidden from wearing a small silver cross on a chain round her neck at work. Her employers say it is all right if she wears it hidden.

Under a veil presumably...

This reminds me of a joke which is not politically correct for a number of reasons but hey ho.

A man went into a jeweller's in Dublin and asked if he could supply him with a gold cross on a chain as a present for his wife.
The jeweller said:"Certainly. Would she be wanting a plain one or one with a little feller on it?"

Palpably bad

For the past 18 months I have had regular heart palpitations. They are very noticeable and it feels like the heart is skipping a beat.
Reading up about them, it seems like they are a common occurrence and can appear suddenly for all sorts of reasons. They seemed to start after I had a particularly bad cough a year ago last February.
I won't go to see a doctor about them because I don't think they have much of an idea about them. They send you off for tests such as almost busting your heart on a treadmill. People have died doing this.
I met a bloke on holiday and he had the same problem. They tried to kickstart the rhythm back with those electrical things you see in Casualty. You know - "Stand back!"
He said it did no good and he looked like he had been scorched by an iron.
The doctor gave him some tablets which made the problem worse and he too almost died on the treadmill test.
That's when I realised I'd made the right decision keeping away.
I'm quite fit. I can walk for miles and rarely get out of breath. I haven't a clue what's causing them but I plan on living with them. If I pop off, I pop off. I don't want to be messed about with in hospital.
On the offchance it may be an allergy, I am sending off for an allergy test which will test me for 113 different food items. I hope I'm not allergic to red wine.
If the blog suddenly stops, you'll know I did as well.

BritPop ulation)

Think that we Brits are mainly descended from the Celts, Angles, Jutes, Saxons, Vikings and Normans?
Think that the Anglo-Saxon baddies came over and tried to exterminate most of the Celts?

Want to visit the place where most of our British ancestors came from? Then head for a certain disputed region of Spain.

This fascinating article reveals the fact that 75% of our common ancestors came from the Basque Country.

And I discovered that the Basque colloquial way of greeting someone in the street is:
"Eup! " which is about as Northern dialect as you can get.

Now then, where's me beret?

The Clay Dog

Someone emailed and asked if I could repost this true story which was on an older deleted blog. Don't read it unless you have a strong stomach.

A guy in the pub called Joe had been having trouble with his next-door neighbour's dog.
The little scruffy mongrel kept getting through a hole in the hedge and crapping in the middle of Joe's immaculate lawn. He complained to the neighbour who did nothing at all about it - indeed he confessed he found it quite amusing.

So Joe did the following:

* He scooped up all the dog muck over a few weeks and stored it in a bucket till it all congealed together.
* He lay in wait one day for the dog and caught it.
* He plastered the dog in its own shit until in his own words "it looked like a clay dog".
* He sent it back through the hole in the hedge.

He hasn't been troubled since.

Dead sheep

Went for a walk in the hills near where we lived and saw a very large ram with fearsome horns lying dead and torn apart by the side of a stream.
I don't know what did that to it but I didn't fancy being the next victim so I hightailed it out of there asap imagining big yellow eyes staring at me from out of the undergrowth.
My head kept swivelling round to see if I was being followed and I was glad to get home.
Imagination runs riot in these circumstances but you never know what's out there do you?

Birdnaps

I learned something today. Birds have catnaps. Well you know what I mean.
Thrushes sleep with one eye open and they can drop off for only 9 seconds at a time.
Sounds a bit like me when I'm watching telly with a drink in my hand.
The fascinating story is here.

Tired

I am getting tired of modern life.
I am getting tired of people who write sooooo instead of so. Bandwagon-jumping tedious thickos.
I am getting tired of people on tv who say sickth instead of sixth. Have they a lithp?
I am getting tired of people who say two thousand eight instead of two thousand AND eight: especially when they aren't Americans.
I am getting tired of people who say "awesome". Ditto.
I am getting tired of people who say fortuitous and think it means fortunate.
I am getting tired of people who say enormity and think it means enormous.
I am getting tired of people who say huge - there's a large amount of them.
I am getting tired of people who say "Enjoy!" - like some halfwitted Italian chef.
I am getting tired of people who are "so not ". You so are complete twats.
I am getting tired of people who are like saying "like" all the like time like. Just like die will you.
I am getting tired of people who write LOL on everything they post on the internet. I don't give a shit if you found it funny.
I am getting tired of people who say "take care" instead of goodbye. Take care of what you morons?
I am getting tired of people who "sawr" something. I could sawr their stupid heads off.
I am getting tired of people who say "whatever" when they really mean piss off.
I am getting tired of people who say "soz" instead of sorry. I hope they fall under a loz.
I am getting tired of people who address me as their mate when I am not.
I am getting tired of people who think other people give a toss about their stupid opinions.

So why are you reading this crap?