Pluck

The guitar played like I've never seen it before.
This kid is a genius.

Shed news

My shed should be a haven of peace but at present, it's buzzing with flies. As soon as I settle down for a snooze or a birdwatch, the buggers keep batting about and hurling themselves against the windows and I have to get up and let them out. They must have been overwintering along with the lacewings.
Now it's getting warmer, I can relax in my shed (flies permitting) with my Ipod nano and a glass of malt. A couple of tracks of Enigma (I know) and I'm away with the fairies.
Things are going nicely. The daffs are brightening up the garden; I spotted my first ladybird today; my newly-relined pond is full of frogspawn and the bluetits are nestbuilding in the birdboxes.
A neighbour said that she had frogspawn weeks ago and the little frogs hatched out. She also said that she saw a blackbird taking worms into a nest about a month ago to feed the young. That seems pretty early to me on both counts but she's no reason to fib. But how come Spring arrived earlier several weeks ago 50 yards down the road?

Deadly digitalis

Just bought a natty little Sanyo video\digital camera thingy (being a bloke I'm also a gadget freak) and was enjoying fiddling with it until I started to read the manual (being a bloke I don't often bother with manuals).
It said:

The following advisory is included in accordance with the laws of the State of California (USA):

This product contains chemicals, including lead, known to the State of California to cause cancer, birth defects or other reproductive harm. Wash hands after handling.

Charming. How come only the State of California knows that the lead in the gadget I have just bought for the purposes of recording my holiday memories is lethal and could soon have me showing my snapshots and videos to my Maker? What makes them so special? Could they not let the rest of us know, the selfish sods?

For EU users, it merely states don't drop it in a bin. After reading that, dropping it in a bin might be the safer option.
Everything's lethal these days.

Goose-Gander

A couple I know enjoy a nightly drink of wine.
They polish off a bottle of red between them and after that, the husband opens a bottle of white and partakes.
When his wife has a glass, he always remarks;" You drink far too much for a woman".
Is that fair?

Walk on the wild side

It's amazing what you can come across on a short walk.
It was a gorgeous crisp and sunny Spring morning so I went up onto the fells and walked a little further than I intended.
Then I saw a severed leg. It was a lamb's leg freshly parted at the knee joint. There was no sign of the rest of the lamb.
Further on, there was a telltale pile of dark fluffy feathers where some bird had lost the fight against a raptor.
And then I spotted a raptor. A beautiful young tawny owl was resting next to a gorse bush across the other side of the beck.
I observed it for a few minutes. It did not move so I walked down into the small valley and across the beck to within six feet of the owl. It turned and looked at me but did not try to fly away. It looked lethargic, peering at me through half-closed eyes.
Leaving it in peace for a while, I called on a neighbour upon whose land it was and we went back to the owl which, as we approached, could only manage to hop away so it was obviously unwell. He threw his coat over it and picked it up. The owl sank its claws into his finger, drawing blood.
We took it to a nearby outbuilding and put it in a small ventilated box lined with paper.
His wife rang an animal rescue centre who told us there was a Raptor Rescue Centre about 5 miles away. She rang but the answerphone was on so they have taken the bird to the local vets on their way to do some shopping.
That's all I know up to now. I hope it survives but I fear it might not. Such a beautiful bird deserves to live.
More as and when...

On aggregate..

Possibly the most boring webcam in the world (unless you have a better one).

Fieldfare enough

Looked into the back field this morning and there must have been about 500 fieldfares and starlings feeding in the fields amongst the sheep.
Fieldfares are basically chunky thrushes with a lovely bluey-grey head and when they all get together they make a cackling sound that enlivens the countryside.
Another welcome sight was the curlew - making his way to the breeding grounds on the high fells. Apart from the skylark and the bittern's call, I don't think there is any more evocative bird sound than the curlew's haunting cry out of a misty spring morning.

Confused? You can say that again...

Just spent a fruitless best part of an hour buggering about on the confused.com website trying to lower my car insurance. What a stupid site.
After entering my entire life story plus my last will and testament, the frigger listed anything but the car I was trying to insure. My head was nearly igniting with the fury of it all.
So being a glutton for punishment, I went to moneysupermarket.com and filled in far fewer details and got some really low quotes. To cut a long story short, the RAC who are my present insurers had quoted me £229 to renew. On the website it was £170 with a lower excess. So I phoned them up and got it for £169!
Sixty quid can buy a fair amount of Shiraz.

Pond Life

I like doing my bit for the environment so I have a small wildlife pond. It's quite simple to do. Dig a hole, lay a bit of old carpet as underlay, put in a pondliner (easily bought for buttons off the internet) and fill with water. The wildlife will miraculously find it in no time at all.
I made mine about 12 years ago but the liner had got a bit torn so I decided to empty the pond and reline it.
As I was emptying it with a bucket, there was a kerfuffle. There was a frog giving another frog a piggyback (well you know what I mean). Then another and another...
In fact there were were about five froggy couples all in the middle of a frog orgy.
I apologised for disturbing them and put them in a big bucket.
Half an hour later, I put some of the old mud back in the pond and released the courting couples.
I had been putting off the job but the pond looks brilliant now and took no time at all.
Soon, it will be full of spawn (I'll let you know) and diving beetles and water boatmen et al.
It's a fascinating thing to see and I'd encourage anyone to make one. Here's some advice.
One thing puzzled me. As I was emptying the pond, I saw a tiny frog about half an inch long. It was a baby but where had it come from? The frogs obviously haven't spawned yet so it must be from last year.
Why hadn't it grown? If anyone knows the answer, please let me know. It's a mystery.

PS The bluetits have gone into their nesting box. All is well in Birdman's garden.

Arriverderci Roma

I feel sorry for those Middlesbrough familes who were attacked by soccer thugs in Rome yesterday while the Rome police allegedly did nothing.
I think that Rome is vastly overrated. The locals obviously don't give a toss about their heritage. There is football graffiti everywhere - Forza Roma! Forza Lazio! In fact I'd go so far as to say it's a crapheap. I have only seen one place covered in more graffiti and that's Cagliari in Sardinia.
You'd need to have a good imagination when you visit the Forum. It's a heap of stones. The Colosseum is patrolled outside by fake centurions who pose with you with swords drawn then mug you for a fat fee for doing so. I've had better pizzas in Bolton. It's stuffy, crowded and jammed with traffic and those little Roman idiots who buzz everywhere on scooters and nearly run you over at pedestrian crossings. The Tiber's a slimy green colour.
The whole of St Peter's is a tasteless monument to the wealth of the Church, complete with a stuffed Pope in a glass case and the bullies in the Sistine Chapel ruin the atmosphere by bawling "Silenzio!!!" every few seconds.
The only good thing about Rome is the ice-cream and the remarkable Pantheon.
Southport's a far nicer place.

Birdstuff

Yippee. The goldfinches are back.
Haven't seen them for months but I believe a lot of them go to Spain for the winter. I think I'll go with the next year.
With their bright red faces which look like they've been caught doing something they shouldn't, they are certainly one of our most colourful birds.
You can hardly mistake them for anything else, which is a blessing for an amateur birdspotter like myself.
Nyjer seeds. That's the thing to attract them with. Although they seem to love the sunflower seeds on our window feeder and chase one another off noisily in order to get at them. Welcome back chaps and thanks for the colour on a grey old day.

Ta

I was flicking through the excellent Computer Shopper this morning in my ongoing quest to stop myself from going barmy by deciding what camcorder to buy out of the range and styles of the squillions on offer (they have an article on the subject) when my eye was attracted to a piece titled The Best of British: Popular Blogs.
Bugger me if Raised by Chaffinches wasn't amongst the top 10 listed therein.By that I mean it was...
Beats me as to why, but thanks anyway...
PS: I still can't make my mind up which sodding camcorder to get. Just as I decide on the model and format, I read something detrimental about it and the whole process starts again. Trouble is, I keep going over old ground - forgetting which cameras I've looked at and which I haven't.
When Michelangelo painted his idea of eternal hell on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, he should have included an indecisive bloke looking for a new camcorder.
And Davina McCall of course.

Testing testing

So six erstwhile healthy young men now lie at death's door because some drug previously tested on animals have wrecked their entire lives, within minutes of it being administered to them.
One poor sod's head swelled to three times its normal size after the tests in London by a German drug firm.
Two thoughts.
1. Why was it not tested in Germany if that is where the company was based?
2. It is now alleged that some of the animals tested had died during the tests, so the amounts given to humans were lowered as a precaution. Some precaution.
Ethical questions aside, how many more people are (slowly) dying due to taking medication which had previously been "successfully" (or otherwise) tested on animals?
When I read the literature concerning the potential horrific side-effects of various relatives' medication, is it any wonderI stay away from doctors? The "cure" seems a hundred times worse than the illness.
Keep off the meat; walk a lot and drink a healthy amount of red wine...that's my advice.
The more doctors-cum-drug prescribers out of work the better.

Old Pics

I have decided to start digitising the family photographs. We have hundreds dating back to the end of the 19th century.
It's a big undertaking but I feel it has to be done to preserve them.
Each one will be annotated so that future generations know who they are looking at.
It's a sad process - looking at beloved family members who are no longer with us beaming back from sunny beaches or joyous family weddings. Not to mention seeing myself change from a beatific blonde angel to a balding old bastard.
In fact, it is making me quite maudlin but I feel I have to do it.
Why don't you?
Posterity will thank you for it.

No justice for England from the Lord Chief Justice...

Lord Falconer, a Scot, said: “Devolution strengthens the union. English votes for English issues would wreck it.”


From the BBC:

No English parliament - Falconer

The North East rejected devolution

The Lord Chancellor, Lord Falconer, is set to strongly reject the idea of an English parliament, in a speech to a conference on devolution.

He is expected to argue that there is no case - "not today, not tomorrow" - for creating an institution which could eventually lead to a federal UK.

Lord Falconer's comments will be seen as a response to calls to stop Scottish and Welsh MPs voting on English issues.

The conference will study the effect of Scottish and Welsh devolution.

Smoking vote

One of the speakers, Professor Robert Hazel, the director of the Constitution Unit at the University of London, told BBC News that the English had several times rejected the notion of devolved power.

"I think the English are pretty relaxed and generous towards Scotland and Wales," he said.

"The opinion polls consistently show that the English support devolution for England and Wales but so far don't want it for themselves."

The recent vote at Westminster to ban smoking, taken by all MPs even though Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland had already made their own decisions, led to calls for an English-only vote.

But Tony Blair strongly resisted calls to prevent Scottish, Welsh and Northern Irish MPs from voting on English-only issues.

When running for the Tory leadership, David Davis pledged England-only votes in the House of Commons but ruled out a separate English Parliament.

In case you missed it once again, Lord Falconer is Scottish.

There is a proud boast on the website of the Lord Chancellor department for constitutional affairs: http://www.dca.gov.uk/:

"We are responsible in government for upholding justice, rights and democracy."
There should be an addendum - ("except for the English")

If you wish him to know what you think of his "relaxed and generous" remarks, Professor Robert Hazel can be contacted here:
http://www.ucl.ac.uk/constitution-unit/staff/robert.html

Scotland gets an extra £8billion a year funding — £1,000 per head more than voters south of the border, who foot the bill.

Of 59 Scots MPs 41 are Labour. They voted last year to impose £3,000-a-year tuition fees on students in England - but not on their own.

They also imposed foundation hospitals on England while rejecting them back home.

Toy Tony.

Would you like Tony Blair in your pocket?
Now, you don't need to donate millions to the Labour Party, just buy this remarkable "Talking British Ally" dolly made by the yanks.



He performs to order (no change there then) and comes out with such stunning one-liners as: " "Actually, you know, my middle son was studying 18th century history and the American War of Independence. And he said to me the other day, "You know Lord North, Dad, he was the British prime minister who lost us America. So just think; however many mistakes you'll make, you'll never make one that bad. (Laughter.)"
You're pissing your pants laughing now aren't you? Come on. Admit it. Nice biceps Prime Minister.

My personal favourite though is the Jesus doll.



Listen to Him admonish thee in his balls-deep American no-nonsense style and you won't ever commit adultery, kill or steal ever again.

Way to go Lord! Way to go!












Finally, send off your pics and in six weeks, you and your lovely bride can have your own customised dolls to give away at the reception as a reminder for all time (of what pillocks you were).
The Robert Maxwell Tuxedo is optional.





As the wife says: "They're not normal are they?"

PS: If she thinks these are not normal - wait till she sees Big Joe .
He's censored but still manages to get his willy through the letter O.
You'll laugh. I promise you.

Film fun

I am currently driving myself barmy wondering which camcorder to get to replace my big unwieldy loaf-sized one.
I'm like that: I research myself into a stupor. What looked to be ideal suddenly gets a bad report on a website and I'm off again. By the time I come to buy, the technology's out of date anyway.
I end up a quivering lump of indecision.
I want something that an idiot can operate (that's me by the way) and can do a bit of simple editing on without having to have a degree in Computer Science.
I am veering towards a JVC GZ MC100 which records to a removable hard disc and is about the size of a packet of Benson and Hedges.
Probably change my mind again but I'm working under the title of Keep It Simple Stupid...

I'm very witty me...

I said something extremely funny to my wife last night. She laughed her head off.
Something about legs I think. Or it might have been mittens. Anyway, it was a belter. Ask the wife.
I've forgotten what it was now though. Ah well, these things happen the older you get.
But honestly it was funny. Well, it seemed so at the time. I just can't recall what it was so you'll have to take my word for it.
Oh dear.
Does this happen to you or do you never say anything funny?
Where's that Boswell when you need him?

RIP Ivor Cutler

A very funny man indeed....

Acrobollocks

Do you find Adobe Acrobat takes over your computer; is bloody slow to load and causes all sorts of problems?
I did.
So I downloaded this free beauty of a pdf reader - Foxit.
It's not top heavy; downloads in seconds on broadband and opens pdfs very quickly.
Do yourself a favour. Give Acrobat the boot and get this little beauty.

Blood money

Are you on the (non-recreational!) drugs you should be on?
Or are you being prescribed drugs that nurses are being paid high commission fees to promote?
Sometimes I think the whole world is bent. Stories like this only confirm it.