Teaser

Tomorrow. I'm going to tell you what my wife does with fried eggs. You'll be amazed.

Titters galore

Get yourself over to Nutgroist asap for an extremely childish but very funny post.

Ooops

We've just got the local Tory candidate's election brochure and in it he says that he is against Britain singing the EU constitution.
Waahhahahaaaahhh!

Sad story

Mr and Mrs Bluetit investigate new nesting box.
They approve and start to build nest inside.
Busy bluetits.
Then...
A little pile of blue feathers on the lawn.
A single agitated bluetit calling on the branch above the nest.
No response.
No sign of either now.

Sweet teeth

Children whose teachers reward their good behaviour with sweets may not have long to enjoy their privileges.The British Dental Health Foundation says a government-backed "bribe" to help tame potentially disruptive pupils with sweets is undermining the healthy-eating message.Dr Carter said: "Sweets are a major cause of tooth decay - a problem which affects about half of all children under 10. It causes a lot of pain and discomfort and can be very distressing for both children and their parents. (Guardian today)

Rubbish says the Chaffinch. I ate pounds of sweets a week when I was a kid and I've still got most of my own teeth - the main reason being, to my mind, that I never saw a dentist for over 30 years. I only went after I broke a tooth on a piece of stale gingerbread.
Dentists are dangerous buggers addicted to scraping away plaque and sticking needles in your gums. Plaque's there for a purpose I say. Leave it alone.
I used to crunch pear drops; toffee fish; Uncle Joes Mint Balls; acid drops; Refreshers; Love Hearts; sugared almonds; chocolate and toffee brazils; Spangles; toffee cigarettes; Flying Saucers; Cherry lips; Blackjacks; kali and spanish; barley sugar; chocstix; gobstoppers; coconut mushrooms; Sherbert Dabs; midget gems; Treets; macaroons; Penny Arrows; licorice pipes; Imps; Sherbert Lemons as well as Wagon Wheels,Jammie Dodgers, Blue Ribands, Caramacs, you name it - I ate it.
Course I now know that it was all mainly composed of shitty sugar, boiled cow hooves and coal tar based colourings - but they tasted yummy at the time.
You can still buy some of the treats over the internet at the exciting online toffee shop - A Quarter Of.
Go on - give your gnashers a treat.

Water con!

You may think you're buying meat - but it's mainly expensive water...

Asda’s Irish sausages contained just 37 per cent meat.

So unfair

You think you are doing right but you may be doing wrong.
I've been a vegetarian for about 30 years. I eat soy products (among lots of other things).
Then this morning I read "Soy is one of the engines of deforestation," said Ana Cristina Barros, head of The Nature Conservancy in Brazil. "Our objective is to stop deforestation."
So single-handedly I have destroyed a large portion of the Brazilian rainforest. I'm not proud.
See all that climate change? That was me that did it.
All those melting glaciers. The tsunami. The burgeoning English vineyards. The desertification of the Sahara. The destruction of hundreds of species.
That was me.
Not to mention the methane.
If Greenpeace find out, they'll kill me.
Then the rain forests would be saved.
Hurray!

NHS Success

My mate went into hospital for a hernia operation yesterday. I rang him the night before to wish him well.
He had to be there for 8 am.
By 9-30am, he was being operated on under general anaesthetic. They mended his hernia; also a smaller one that he didn't know he had and took away a fatty lump for good measure. (Though WTF John Prescott was doing in there I do not know).
At 7-15pm, he phoned me. He was back home watching Emmerdale!
Although he was slightly woozey from the morphine, he was otherwise fine.
He had nothing but praise for the way he was treated by everyone at the hospital - from the doctors and nurses to the hospital porters: in fact he is going to write a letter to the local paper, so impressed was he.
In all the bad news that comes out of our hospital service these days, it's great to have a good news story to report.
Well done the NHS.
Just keep me out of there - that's all I ask.

Birdies

Aren't birds brilliant?
"Our" blackbird has become a chef.
He has taken to arriving at our windowsill feeding station with a worm in his beak.
He then rolls the worm in the sunflower seeds which stick to the poor bugger and flies off to devour it.
A simple recipe but tasty nonetheless.
Well to a blackbird it is.

Making your mind up...

This bloody election business is so confusing.
Being working-class Lancastrian, my instincts are to vote Labour. But I feel that Labour has too big a majority and this present lot treats us with disdain and on the whole has been a bit of a waste of time. Too many contributors to the party have been given honours; too much pc - not enough pc's; the lies about Iraq; the MRSA scandal; the ineptitude over false asylum seekers...President Blair...
Then there's the Tories (sorry, Conservatives). I like the fact that they want to limit Europe's power over us and their stance on law and order but that's about it. Michael Howard just comes across as a creepy chancer. Oh dear.
The Lib Dems? Well some people say they should be given a chance but it's a bit like the two older children have played with all the toys and it's only fair that they should let little Charlie play with them now. They're too Eurocentric for my liking.
Then there's the Greens. Goodhearted folk but fond of sticking bird-killing windfarms all over the shop so your toast's buggered when the wind drops.
I suspect a lot of people are thinking what I'm thinking. I think that they want to give Blair a kick in the balls but don't want to hand power to Howard or let Letwin win, if you see what I mean.
Where's the Monster Raving Loonies when you need them?
I also suspect that a lot of people will make up their minds in the last few seconds before putting the cross on the voting paper and there could be quite a few surprises.
So that's settled it then. I'm voting Not Certain.
What nice weather we've been having...

By George.

The Church of San Giorgio, Portofino.
Let there be light...

I hope you had a good St George's Day.
I forgot yesterday to mention the time I put the lights out on our patron saint.
It was a couple of years ago in the church of St George overlooking the beautiful harbour of Portofino in Italy where the saint's bones are said to reside.
They had one of those light-a-candle thingies where you put a euro in the slot and flick a switch to illuminate a small candle in someone's memory.
I duly put my Euro in the slot, flicked the switch - and plunged the church into complete darkness.
It was a tiny candle but for some reason it had fused the church's electrics.
I panicked and dragged my wife out into the bright sunshine, admitting what had happened.
A couple of hours later, I crept back and peered inside and it was still pitch black in there despite the glorious sunshine outside. Hope they've managed to fix it by now.
Every St George's Day I am reminded of the incident - by the missis.
Sorry St George.
Incidentally, there is a cemetery round the back of the church where I overheard a conversation between a local and a Scotsman.
The local bloke asked the Scotsman if he was English.
I'll not repeat what the Scotsman said but you shouldn't use words like that in a cemetery.

Happy St George's Day!

From this Little Englander.
And to all those who moan "but he was from Turkey" or some such thing. Well some people say St Patrick was English St Andrew was born by Galilee and St David was, er, Welsh.
So it don't matter do it?
It's just a bit of fun.

No

Amar-frigging-rillo.
Make it stop please. Make it stop.

Birdstuff

Saw my first baby bird of the year today - a blackbird fledgling at the bottom of the garden. It was hiding in the twigs and bits of dead leafy stuff I chuck on the compost heap. It disappeared into the undergrowth with a little chirp.
I wonder if the parents are the male and female birds that take sunflower seeds from out windowsill feeder? The strange thing is that he always feeds from the right hand side and she always feeds from the left.
Blackbirds have been known to live for up to 20 years. Longer than some people.
I have a chaffinch that is behaving very strangely.
He flies into an apple tree next to my shed, then lands on the windowsill of the shed and flies upwards to the overhanging roof and back down again, pecking at the wood.
He did this scores of times today. I haven't a clue why. Perhaps he's after breaking and entering into my shed. Well at least he knocks. Very polite bird the chaffinch...
Yesterday, there was a nuthatch on the peanut feeder - first I've ever seen there.
Oh - and the bluetits are nesting in the new birdbox I put up for them in the sycamore tree. Great to see them. They work so hard to raise their young. Well don't we all?

MayPoll

Although I'm getting a bit bored with the usual election guff, I found this site strangely addictive.
I think you will too...

D'you KEN Yon Pope?

Kenneth Kendall waves to Anneka's helicopter...



Is it my imagination or does this new Pope feller look like Kenneth Kendall who used to do Treasure Hunt with Anneka Rice? Well, he's not been seen around for a bit has he? Bit suspicious that. I think he was lying doggo until the old one poped his clogs.
I'm not wishing anything on the present incumbent but isn't 78 a bit old to be taking on the boss's job? Or did the last funeral go so well they're looking forward to another? Soon.
Anyway, Herr Ratzinger\Kenneth Kendall. Good luck in your new job in stopping blokes wearing blurters. (Not that the world's overpopulated or anything).
PS:
Rat Zinger - Sounds like a device for zapping rodents.
PPS:
The Sun had a cracking headline today - From Hitler Youth to Papa Ratzi.

What he says:

Homosexuality: “Intrinsic moral evil” (Ooh get her in the posh frock)

Rock music: “Vehicle of anti-religion” (I thought that was the popemobile)

Multiculturalism: “Fleeing from what is one’s own” (That was Paula Radcliffe)

Anglicanism and Protestantism: “Not proper churches” (They are. They have stained glass windows, proper pews and statues and all)

What Birdman says:

Hey - lighten up baby. Hitler lost y'know...

Pick-a-pope

My missis said to me: "Why are they taking so long to pick a Pope from all those cardinals? They all look alike."
Which they do - apart from the coloured ones. I wonder if the Church will go all PC this year and pick a coloured one? Or is there a gay one, I wonder? Perhaps they'll pick a woman again.
When we see the white smoke, we'll soon know. Can't wait.
I think the white smoke is caused by the winner pissing on the fire.

Sweepup

Do you shop at Tesco? Have a good look at Supermarket Sweepup.

Taking the urine?

If you or I had a piss in the middle of a busy London street in front of crowds of people, including children, we'd be prosecuted and hauled in front of a court.
But run a bit, have a piss, run a bit more and you win a million dollars.
If your name's Paula Radcliffe.

Perchance

When I wake up I am frequently more knackered than when I went to bed. This is due to the "turbo dreams" as I call them. Over the weekend, they have been in top form.
One involved me driving a large black lorry which broke down on a main road.
I got out of the truck and it set off on its own weaving along the road and disappearing into the distance with me screaming and running after it.
The sense of panic was unbelievable and the last thing I need with these palpitations.
I take this dream to mean my life's out of control!
Last night's dream involved a body being found behind my sofa - mummified with skeletal hands. Then later I was kidnapped by a gang of four blokes whose faces I can still distinctly remember.
Add to this dreams of buildings collapsing, flying saucers, weird oriental types, monks, nuns, overlooking deep ravines, dead relatives on trains...it's a nightmare I tell you.
If they could film my dreams, some of them would win Oscars.

About time

SCOTTISH MPs should be banned from ministerial jobs in charge of English affairs, according to a poll of British voters by The Sunday Times. More than two-thirds of those polled believe Scottish MPs should not be allowed to vote on laws that apply solely to England and almost 80% think too much public money is spent on Scotland. SCOTTISH MPs should be banned from ministerial jobs in charge of English affairs, according to a poll of British voters by The Sunday Times.
The evidence of mounting concern among English voters follows Jeremy Paxman’s claims in The Sunday Times last month that England is being ruled by “a Scottish Raj”. There were six Scots in the cabinet before the election was called — Tony Blair, Gordon Brown, John Reid, Alistair Darling, Ian McCartney and Lord Falconer. The apparent anti-Scottish backlash among voters will have to be taken on board by whoever wins the election.
Full article here...

Actually, it's not anti-Scottish. It's concern for the inequalities in the system which more and more people, thankfully, are realising is wrong and unfair to the English.This is an issue which will not go away. It's snowballing now and pretty soon, that snowball is going to flatten the whole rotten structure.
It is time for the English to take hold of their own destiny. And let the neighbours take care of their own.

England wakes up...

Mercenary

DAME KELLY HOLMES has turned down an offer to start the 25th Flora London Marathon after negotiations over her fee broke down.It is understood that Dame Kelly wanted £20,000 to be part of the starting team. Paula Radcliffe is believed to be being paid £275,000 for her appearance tomorrow. Should she break her world record of 2hr 18min 56sec, set on the London course, the day’s earnings — including prize-money and bonuses — will rise to £600,000.

Whoa! I thought the London Marathon was all about raising money for charity. Obviously I am a naive person. I have a mate taking part tomorrow who is raising funds for dying children who are enabled to have their dreams come true. He has been training for months and will run despite a damaged knee and blisters. There are thousands raising millions for worthy causes.
I will look at all those brave folk without legs who wheel themselves round the course and think what a difference there is in people. Is it me or is £275,000-£600,000 sodding excessive for putting one leg in front of another rather quickly for a couple of hours? It's a powerful incentive to keep on running - unlike some other marathon races we could mention...
Kelly Holmes is expected to earn £5million over the next few years. Surely she could have waved a frigging flag to start the Marathon? For free.
Sorry Kelly - you have gone down in my estimation. You are nothing like a Dame.

Birdies

Just seen the strangest sight on our windowsill birdfeeder:two male Robins perched side by side. Usually at this time of year, they are very territorial and tend to chase one another off.
These two stayed there together for ages. Then one picked up a sunflower seed. The other one leaned across, pinched the seed out of its beak and flew off - followed a few seconds later by the first.
As I always say - better than the telly.

Dibnah RIP

Been watching the BBC2 series on Fred Dibnah and his laconic Lanky mate Alf going round England's industrial heritage on his traction engine.
It was filmed shortly before he died of cancer and it must have been very tiring for him but still he retained his great enthusiasm for our great manufacturing past and all those big steam engines, boilers, pumps and foundry presses.
It's full of Fred and Alf's humour and really interesting - even if you have no knowledge of the subject. Set your video. It's a gem.

Yippeee!!!!

I have just seen two swallows! Wheeling and darting in the sunshine over the rooftops.
How I admire those little beauties: flying thousands of miles from South Africa and dodging the guns of those continental cretins.
Welcome back lads! Good to see you.

Buy local

Supermarket giant Tesco set a new milestone for UK business when it became the country's first retailer to post annual profits of more than £2 billion

The town where I was born has not one fruit and vegetable shop. What it does have is a Tesco. That means that the 20-something thousand people have to get their greens from there. They now have the monopoly having seen off the "competition".
There was a programme on the televison last night outlining the sometimes dubious ways they claim to have reduced prices.It was an eye-opener.
We get all our fruit and veg from a local market stall and it's a helluva sight cheaper than the supermarkets. There's also a local greengrocer we use whose produce is absolutely brilliant. If you are ever in Bolton, go and have a look at the fantastic market there - you can get 10 grapefruits for a quid and a big bag of bananas or tomatoes for about 40p!
If you have a local market, use it. The town where I was born had a market for hundreds of years. But since Tesco opened, it doesn't have one now.
Use it or lose it.

Don't do it.

Beware of web postcards purporting to bring greetings. It's a trojan in disguise. Don't open them!

Dead funny

I met the former landlord of a pub I used to frequent yesterday and he told me he had just paid up front for his funeral.
When I asked why, he said that it's because they stick to the price and don't put it up. I shouldn't think that's going to bother him if he's dead but I suppose there's a certain logic in it.
It gives me the creeps a bit though.
When they told him how much it was, he said:"Bloody hell, that's a bit much".
"How do you mean?" asked the surprised funeral director.
"Well I'm, going on a 2 week cruise round the Med tomorrow for a grand. You're charging me more and you're only having me for a couple of hours - then you're burning me at the end of it!"
"Oh" laughed the funeral bloke. "I wish all my customers were as funny as you."

What a show

I just wish that Jesus had chosen today to make his second coming on Earth.
Imagine. Landing in the middle of St Peter's Square in front of billions of people watching live and on the television.
In his simple robes, he goes round knocking off the ludicrous headgear of the bishops and cardinals, ripping their jewels and gaudy ceremonial clothes away, pointing to the great edifices surrounding him and screaming:"All that wealth. All that pageantry. All that hypocrisy. How is this feeding the starving and the sick? Didn't you listen to a word I said?"

Now that would be worth watching.

Vote for - who?

Just my twopennorth but if Labour lose this election or the Tories make great gains, I reckons you can put it down to John Prescott, the unacceptable face of everything. He will be remembered as the man who hated England so much, he wanted to split it into regions (until he was told to politely go away); build all over its beautiful countryside; and let Travellers run riot wherever the fancy took them.
Plus, of course, the forced mateyness and lies of smile-on-legs autocratic President Blair; the sneaky Scottish Chancellor and his sly taxes ("We promise not to put up income tax. But hey, there are lots of others we can cane you with, you mugs") ; MRSA; spiralling crime; out-of-control immigration; binge-boozing and 24 hour pubs; tuition fees (remember "Education, education, education")?; Tessa Jowell (don't know what she does but she's horrible); and all the wasted opportunities to make our country a better place.
I'm not sure whoever gets in would be any better. Orrible Oliver Letwin? No thanks. Michael "The Bandwagon" Howard? You jest. Cheerful Charlie Kennedy and his Merry Band of Europhiles? Can you imagine?
Come to think of it, there's nobody in politics now who gains my remotest respect. And that's sad.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That they're all a bunch of sloganising, fill-yer-boots, two-faced lying opportunists?
What a country. I know now why they call desperate people who want to come and live here asylum seekers. You've found it mate. You've found it.
Time for a revolution? I bloody well hope so.
Or at least a better class of politician. If there is such a thing.

Lying gets

THE first galaxies formed after the Big Bang may be even older than was previously thought, British scientists said yesterday.

It's true. As they get older, they lie about their age.

Pope bets

Take a mosey over to Nutgroist's estimable blog for the latest betting on the next Pope.

Off my rocker?

You know how a propos of nothing, a serious thought will suddenly strike you from out of the blue?
Like - What's it all about? Is there life on Mars? Who put the bomp? Who'll be the next Pope?
Well this morning, I found myself wondering what had happened to Val Doonican.
Well someone had to ask the question.
And the answer is, he's still with us and he seems to have turned into a fair watercolourist.
As these pictures show...


And so on to the next thought...

Rock and a hard place

It will soon be the elections. I will vote. I always vote because I know that in the past, my fellow countrymen and women have shed blood so that I have that privliege.
But does anyone else feel like me - that's these days, it's not a case of voting for the best party but the least worst?

Self help

Normally on a Sunday, I would go for a drink with my mates. Yesterday I stayed home and abstained. Didn't even have a glass of wine. Went to bed very early and slept soundly - in spite of the usual mad turbo dreams.
The thing is, I know I should go and see a doctor but being generally extremely healthy and managing to avoid the buggers and their dubious pills and potions, I am trying the self help approach. I have seen too many friends and family take tablets for one ailment and end up having another ailment (usually worse) caused by the side effects of the drugs.
If this means staying off the usual glass or three of wine per evening for a bit, so be it.
I thank my fellow bloggers for their concern. I'll give it a week or two and if the trouble is still there, I might go and see the doctor.I'll keep you posted.

Heartbeat

For the past few weeks I have had palpitations. It's a horrible feeling: like your heart's fluttering about and you're not in control.
I have had them before in the past and never done anything about it so I'm banking on the fact that as I'm still here, it's just something that happens now and then. They've been there a lot recently though.
I did a bit of research on it on the net and it proved inconclusive. Could be caused by anything from too much alcohol (ahem!); coffee; thyroid problems; heart disease; stress - virtually anything. It did say that occasionally, people who have them drop dead for no apparent reason. I'd hate that to happen. I want to see my grandkids (if ever I get any) and England beat Australia this summer.
As a precaution, I have updated what I call the Death File.
This is something everyone should do. It tells my wife about the various urgent things she needs to do if I pop my clogs (I mean apart from having me cremated). Mundane things mostly such as standing orders; insurances policies; accounts to close. These are important things that need to be attended to at what would be a stressful time (at least I'm presuming it would be).
If you haven't done a Death File, I'd advise you to do one right away. If anything happens to you, you'll be glad you did. Well you know what I mean.
It also puts things into perspective.
Now where's that holiday brochure..?