Customer (lack of) service

The standard of customer service in this country can be appalling.
My mate's daughter got married on Saturday and we stayed over at the hotel where it was being held. We had a great time, spoiled only by some of the staff and the rip-off price of the booze (A small glass of Merlot was £4-75p and a pint of lukewarm lager and a small bottle of Corona was £5-10p.)
A round was ordered at the bar and it came to £39. One of his guests then asked the girl serving behind the bar for some change for the cig machine in the hotel lobby.
She replied in a cavalier manner:" Oh I can't give you change. You have to buy something..."
They'd just spent £39 on a round!.
The guy flung a £20 note on the bar and snarled:"If that's the case give me a pint of lager".
She did - but didn't give him any pound coins in the change for the cig machine.
My mate went ballistic. He'd spent over four grand at the hotel on the wedding and now one of his friends couldn't get change for the fag machine. He turned purple and there was steam coming out of every orifice. He burst into the manager's office and gave him the biggest bollocking of his life. I think the manager was lucky to escape with his life.
There were two veggies at the wedding - me and Mrs Birdy. My mate told us to ring the hotel a a few weeks ago to order a vegetarian meal for the reception (which was costing an unbelievable £38 a head!).
The snotty bitch on the other end of the line trilled:"Oh you can't order your own meals. What if everybody wanted to do that? You'll have to have what the chef gives you."
I could hardly believe my ears.
The next day, my mate marched in there to sort it out in his own inimitable manner (which involved a severe tongue-lashing for the stupid bint). But what a palaver.
Like I say. The standard of customer service in the UK hotel industry and the attitude of those doing the serving leaves a lot to be desired.

True love

SIR Elton John’s lover has hit back at claims he has been cheating on the star and says they are “blissfully” happy.David Furnish, 42, blasted claims on a showbiz website that he was seeing other men at a flat in Knightsbridge, West London.He told the Popbitch website: “Elton and I have been together for 11 years and have never been happier.

It's nice to know he's not been going behind his back.

TV Hell

Want to know what we have to look forward to on television in the coming months?
Thought reality tv couldn't get any worse?
Would you like to star in a reality tv show?
for instance, the following:

The sex women want - A six part series for UKTV.


We are is looking for:
- Two young lesbian / bisexual presenters/ Open minded couples
for a new show where gay women give straight men tips on how to please their partners.
The programme is playfully educational; fun and camp rather than explicit and smutty.
The show will offer sex tips, advice and guidance from two lesbians who, each episode, will instruct to a man on how to really impress and please his partner.
As our instructors say "It really takes a woman to really know a woman!"
At the beginning of each episode, our presenters meet and get to know the couple, discovering the details of their sex life and identifying where there is room for improvement.
Our presenters will then whisk the man off for an afternoon of technical instruction, advice and insight that should make both him and his partner happy (at no time will the male contributor get intimate with either of the presenters).
He then returns home where a camera will be set up in the bedroom to record the overnight results of him and his partner working on their new techniques.

So if you are a man who is comfortable with being taught how to shag by lesbians and then have it filmed for the great British public, apply here.
I await the followup where two gay guys teach a woman how to satisfy a man.
They wouldn't do that would they?
What they do need apparently among other things are kinky exhibitionists; mummy's boys; eating champions; Busted fans and for some strange reason people born on 13th April, 1977. If that's you - It's all here.
I'm just off to buy a sledgehammer.

Easy done

I was listening to the news on the car radio and the announcer said:"The Pope is now breathing without assistance"
I turned to the lovely wife and said:"That's nowt - I've been doing that for years."
She laughed in spite of herself.
I just can't help it. It's a disease or something.
(I'll feel rotten now if he cashes his cassock in.)

A romantic spammiversary

The telly ad that's making me laugh at present is the ludicrous one for spam - Spam Up! as the song accompanying it goes...
It shows a variety of people in different situations purporting to enjoy this fine comestible which apparently consists of:

Pork (89%), salt, potato starch, water,ham (2%), sugar, stabiliser: trisodium diphosphate, flavourings, antioxidant: sodium ascorbate, preservative: sodium nitrite.

Mmmm. Nice.... That'll be dead pig, salt and various chemicals then?

Spam has had a massive makeover. The marketing and ad agencies have been really busy on this one.It was introduced in the 2nd World War and I remember it as a kid as food for people who couldn't afford better, but it seemed to have died the death until this current big budget campaign to glam it up. Compare it, say, to trying to make the public accept Norris off Corrie as being as sexy as George Clooney.

You can read about the ad here .

There are such gems as "In this scene the back of the horse is eating a SPAM® Chopped Pork and Ham, with cheese toasty."

But the bit of the ad which makes me laugh is where it is the couple's "special" anniversary. How "special" is it? Well the husband has really gone to town on behalf of his pearl-bedecked darling wife and prepared a lovely tete-a-tete candlelit dinner.
And what culinary delight has this fine gentleman prepared in order to celebrate their Ruby Wedding anniversary or whatever?
You've guessed it - Spam! Accompanied by what looks like a bit of lettuce.
And by crikey, doesn't she look highly delighted at this thoughtful gesture?
Why she even holds a piece of Spam up to the camera on the end of a fork as if to illustrate to Mr and Mrs Joe Public how unable she is to contain her excitement at such a romantic gesture.
If that doesn't rekindle their moribund love life, nothing will. I bet no sooner has she polished off the mouthwatering pork and ham concoction, he'll be giving her some old pork of his own. The cunning bounder.
If you haven't seen it yet, you will wet yourself. Or be amazed at the ad men's perception of how gullible the nation at large is. Perhaps they are.
Look out for Spam on a table near you...soon.

I met the Kinks

Someone sent me a CD through the post today. It was by the Kinks - a group who I really admire.
Despite being in a jiffy bag, the CD was broken into 5 pieces.
How did that happen?
I dunno. You really got me there.
I took the largest piece and tried to break it by bending it but I couldn't.
It looked like someone had taken a very sharp pair of scissors and cut the disc up. Who? Some Kinks-hating freak at the sorting office? Ah but how would he know. If I thought till the end of the day, I couldn't work that one out. I shall have to see my friends and ask what they think.
The Kinks came to my little home town in the 60's and I interviewed them in a place where people would come dancing in an old hall at the back of a dead end street. They turned up very late and although the hall was packed, the audience was getting tired of waiting.
They went onstage and caused a complete riot.
Three numbers later, they were off. The bobbies had a battle on their hands.
Still, it was a night to remember for our little town. Where have all the good times gone?

* Crap joke alert... What do you call a Girl who enjoys giving blowjobs?>
>
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..................................A Dedicated Swallower of Passion.

London

I suddenly find that I have to go to London at very short notice. (It's not some strange compulsion, I just have to go in connection with a job).
I have mentioned it before on't tuther blog which cannot be named but I hate going to London. It's too crowded, impersonal, dirty, overpriced and generally too much hassle to get around there - unless you're a member of the International Olympic Committee.
I shall be straight back on the train as soon as I have finished what I have to do.
Back to the North.
Back to Civilisation.
And ale at a pound a pint.

Palpitations

I have been having palpitations for the past few days which does tend to worry one slightly.
I didn't have a drink last night and they stopped today.
Then I just came across Girl With a One Track Mind's blog about Sex Episode 4: Learning To Love Blow Jobs .
And they flaming well started again...
By the way, when I say I just came across it, it's not what you're probably thinking.

Who cares?

Is it a snub - or is it not a snub?
Is it lawful - or is it just awful.
Will it be public - will it be private?
Will she wear apricot - or will she wear cerise?
Will she be Queen - or merely Princess Consort?
Is she expecting - or is it a beer belly?
Will the public accept her - or will they detest her?
Is that her own face - or a careless beekeeper's?
Do I give a shit - or do I not give a shit?

Guess.

UK today...

First they came for the fat people...
It's the pissheads next....so beware.
(Never touch a drop myself)...

Asda be avin' a laff...

Don't go there - you might bump into this...



My current nightly television viewing is currently being enhanced by the sight of the "new" face of Asda - the delightful Sharon Osbourne.
She is to be seen cavorting round the aisles picking up various items of clothing and food and commenting on what bargains they are. Bat-flavoured crisps being especially so.

Asda's marketing director said: "Sharon is a strong woman, a real-life mum and our customers relate to her because she believes in the things mums stand for - caring, providing and coping."

Although some people may be cynical about the motives of the mucky-mouthed wife of Ossie in promoting one of the UK's foremost shopping venues, I can assure them that it is not for the several millions that Asda are purported to be paying her but the fact that she genuinely shops in all their emporiums (emporia?).
I have seen her there on many occasions. Haven't you?
Indeed she wears none other than the classic George brand at all their soirees. And such is their influence in Tinseltown that all their celebrity Hollywood friends have now eschewed the delights of Versace and suchlike for the comparative economical savings and the fine finish of this established UK brand.

"I remember taking my three kids to Asda in Watford and doing the weekly shopping," she reminisced. "I remember my kids saying can't we go to Asda because they cook better than you. Asda has got memories for me. It is not just about the woman you see today at 52, but when I was 42 and walking around with a trolley."

Sure Shaz. Suffice it to say that Asda's use of this celebrity housewife in their current campaign has all the hallmarks of doing for their sales what purple-bearded loon Billy Connolly did for the National Lottery.
And that it has indeed induced me to spend more of my hard-earned money.
Elsefeckingwhere....

Mmm

Cruz
Rhymes with
Loos.

Guts

We take our rights to free speech for granted. We can call our leaders what we like. and rant to our heart's content.
But these brave bloggers can't.

You can support them here.

Deadly good

Among the list of foods whipped off the supermarket shelves because they contain the banned Sudan 1 dye are the following:

Cumberland sausage sandwich filling, Mini Chicken & BBQ Bites,GFY BBQ Chicken and Wedges,American BBQ Ribs, Chilli Nachos,Thin and Crispy Hickory BBQ Chicken Pizza, Eat Smart BBQ Chicken & Potato Wedges,Mini BBQ sticky ribs,Pot Noodle: Hot Dog & Ketchup Flavour.

Well excuse me, but if your diet consists of stuff like this, a little boot polish isn't going to make any difference. You're gonna dye (gerrit?) anyway :)

You have to laugh...

Go on, I dare you...

Apologies

By now, I will have emailed most of you with the new blog. I am sorry you lost the comments on the other blog (which I am about to delete). If you wish to repost them I would be very grateful.
I don't anticipate moving from here.
If you want to add a link, please feel free to do so in a couple of weeks.
Thanks for your patience.

It's a job for somebody...

AS THE huntsman's horn sounds for what could be the final time, a north Lancashire hunt is searching for a fearless fell-runner to act as a substitute hare. The Vale of Lune hunt has announced that it is to continue its season, hunting within the letter of the law, with a new quarry a fell-runner or athlete, who will be pursued by the hunt's pack of resident bloodhounds across the hills and dales.

And the nominations are..?

Sunday

I am hoping to go for a drink on Sunday (Well there's a surprise).One of my mates lost his wife a couple of weeks ago. She had a stroke from which she did not recover. She was only 55.I am hoping he will be out for a drink with us.
But what can you say in circumstances like these? When one minute someone's closest companion is there - and then suddenly they're not...
That must shake you to your very foundations and alter your perspective on everything completely.
If it does anything, I think it makes us look again at the people who mean most to us in our lives and tells us not to take them for granted.

Have you got fat balls?

I only ask the above question because I see Winter is finally on its way. At least that's what the forecasters would have us believe.It looks like we are in for a real cold snap with lots of snow.Nip out now and stock up with fat balls, niger seeds, peanuts and wild bird seed for the birdies. It's a few pence for us but the difference between life and death for them.Oh - and get yourself a nice bottle of Merlot while you're at it.

What to blog?

I am still a bit wary about what I blog. Having been discovered by my friend on the old one has made me cautious. What do I do? Do I keep it anodyne? Do I abandon rant mode? Do I leave out things that I think people who know me are likely to see?My friend came across the blog via a link I had made to a website.
He started reading it and recognised himself inthe stories I had written.I had only written funny stuff as he is the sort of person that things happen around. But I should hate to blog something which I thought had upset someone I know.I'll have to play it by ear I suppose.
But bloggers beware. What you write may come back to haunt you.

Kingfisher

There was a knock on the door at about 9 pm last night. I don't normally like answering at that time but it was a neighbour and his son with a big lamp."Would you like to see something special?" he asked intriguingly (and somewhat worryingly).
"What is it?" I warily enquired.
"It's a Kingfisher - down by the beck""Oh yes - a bottle of beer by that name I suppose?""
No. A real Kingfisher".
And so it was.He shone his lamp on a twig about a yard over the water on which roosted a beautiful real live Kingfisher who simply turned his head towards us as if in annoyance at the intrusion.
What a thrill to see such a bird at close quarters. I have never seen one in the village in all the time I have lived here. The colours of its feathers are stunning.I am now just hoping he will now find a mate and raise little Kingfishers. I shall keep you posted.
I thanked the neighbour and asked him if he had seen my Woodpecker.
"What? The Cider?" he remarked with a wary smile

Not Dead Yet

I was not dead. I was waiting in the next room.The old blog had been discovered. Time to sprout new wings I thought. I've landed here. Hope I like it. And more importantly, hope you do too....

Last Resting Place. I hope.

I am sorry to mess you all about but I had it pointed out that I had made a mistake with the name of the new blog (which I won't name here). I could have been traced easily (say no more).
This is it now. I am going to delete the other two blogs in a few days and just use this one.
The title of the blog is after one of the funniest lines in the history of cinema. More later.